The Rival’s 2016 Horoscopes

Dookies | Rachel Heimann and Luul Lampkins | January 15, 2016 SATIRE

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It seems like just yesterday we were immortalizing Left Shark, explaining Caitlyn Jenner’s transformation to our grandparents, and (spoiler alert!) mourning the death of Jon Snow. Yes, 2015 has been a crazy year. Not only did Duke Men’s Basketball win their fifth national championship and Men’s Football the Pinstripe Bowl, but also, Shooters added an outdoor patio! Of course with so many things to reminisce fondly over, there were just as many heartbreaks and dramas. As construction goes on in full force with no end on the horizon, #DukeCrane has become a more commonly used hashtag than #DukeChapel. And let’s not forget the fact that our sweet angel Jahlil got into a street fight. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve whipped. And we’ve nae-nae’d. But now that we’ve watched the ball drop and realized that Ryan Seacrest’s never will, it’s time to put the past in the past, delete all the drunk texts, and look ahead.

Every year on December 31st, we write down or reflect upon our New Year’s Resolutions. “I’m gonna go to the gym at least three times a week!” you tell yourself while re-watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show for the fourth time. “I’m never drinking again,” you declare in between heaves to your roommate who’s holding back your hair for the second time this month. Well, perhaps some of you really do keep your resolutions and believe that you control your own future. But for those of you who cancel your gym membership on February 1st and prefer to leave your future up to fate and the gods, the Rival has put together a team of expert astrologists to tell you exactly what the new year has in store for you.

 

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Aries (3/21-4/19)

You may feel like the person you have been involved with isn’t that into you anymore, and you’re right. In the wake of the new year, let go of your current relationship and let your ex-partner explore his/her better, more attractive options. Don’t lie to yourself. You knew that all those post-Shooters cheesy breads would come back to bite you in the ass. Use this anger as fuel! Finally find out what Wilson has to offer besides Quenchers. Bust a move at Shooters or Devine’s to show your ex what they’re missing (unless you’re a white girl trying to twerk or a white boy, period). You’re single and free, enjoy it! Giving up on your crush also means you can finally focus on school work. Don’t get cocky, we’re not saying you’ll ace Econ this year, but we have a good feeling there will be less tears in Gross Hall.

 

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Taurus (4/20-5/20)

In the coming months, your jealousy may become too much for your partner to handle. Going through his/her messages will stop being cute. Compulsively checking his/her location on Find My Friends will become borderline creepy. You’ll probably be left for someone a little less psychotic. Congratulations. You played yourself. But when one door closes (or is slammed in your face accompanied by a restraining order) you can always break a window! Your friends and family will come to your rescue after your breakup and these relationships will blossom. Your mom will finally stop asking you if you’ve gained weight and accept that your diet consists of Monuts, Chipotle, and hummus. The estranged friends you ditched because you were too obsessed with being in a relationship will take pity on you and add you back to the GroupMe. You can expect 2016 to be full of Snapchat stories captioned “squad” and “ain’t nobody fuckin’ with ma clique.”
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Gemini (5/21-6/20)

2015 was a mixed year for you, and 2016 will be no different. As an air sign, your head is sometimes up in the clouds which will make you avoid a lot of commitments this year. The consequences of this will start in late April when you realize you don’t have a job and you haven’t opened your textbook. But when it comes to love, the world is thy oyster, Gemini! 2016 has good things in store for your love life. Jupiter, Mars, and the emotional moon are all conspiring to give you exactly what you need this coming year: A real life relationship. That’s right, it’s not a myth: it’s cold, hard, astrology. You may be in different tiers of Greek life, but don’t let the social hierarchy get in the way of true love. If your relationship does overcome the obstacle that is the Duke Hookup Culture, make sure to remember your less fortunate, single friends and make time to see them every other month or so.

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Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Saturn and Venus have been conspiring and you’re in luck, Crab! Don’t expect anything too meaningful or anything. I mean your sign looks like 69 after all. But in 2016, get ready to meet a consistent hookup who will not only text you back in a timely fashion but who will also take you to the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru, and pay for a small coffee. That’s all we can ask of a relationship in this day and age anyway. Unfortunately, you can’t have everything in life, so look out for some trouble on the homefront. Your parents just don’t understand what it’s like to be 20! You can only explain to them so many times that you HAVE to go to Cabo for Spring Break or you won’t get any of the inside jokes and you’ll lose all your friends and your life will be ruined. But don’t worry. Just remind them that all the money they saved making you babysit your younger siblings would add up to two spring breaks. Plus, this one’s all inclusive! What a bargain.
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Leo (7/23-8/22)

Alright, Lion. So you thought your brother was over the fact that you got that coveted summer internship at Goldman Sachs while he couldn’t get a job until daddy pulled some strings. He’s not. This might make things a little tense when the whole family’s home at the beginning of the summer. But don’t let the haters get you down. Remember that at this point in life, careers are important but family comes first. Take this opportunity to remind your parents of how grateful they should be to have you as a child instead of your degenerate of a cousin, Steve. At the end of the day, things could always be worse and it’s important to remind your family that yeah, you got EMSed a couple of times freshman year and sure, you had to meet with your dean to discuss your “lack of academic motivation,” but you’re still far more successful than they could ever hope to be.

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Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Oof. 2015 was not a great year for your GPA, Virg. Remember – you’re more than a number! But just in case your entire future does depend on that little one line of your resume, let’s get our shit together this year. You’re an earth sign, so we assume you’re down to earth and can level with us here. If you show a little hard work the gods will smile and you’ll be rewarded. But just in case, hold on tight to that significant other. He/She treats you well. You feel loved. You’ve haven’t been this happy in a long time. So stop seeing how far you can push it before they hook up with a rando at Mardi Gras. Sure, maybe he’s overdue for a haircut and maybe she won’t stop nagging you about spending more time with Fallout 4 than you do with her. But it’s time to count your #blessings and stop being such a nag all the time.
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Libra (9/23-10/22)

With the start of the new semester right around the corner, this is your chance at a fresh start. If you put your mind to it and show real dedication, (aka if you actually do your readings and stop STINFing so you can spend your whole afternoon rewatching Entourage for the third time instead of writing your memos) maybe you’ll get off academic probation soon. And things only get better in the fall: after a falling out with your fourth best friend, all your mutual friends take your side and you guys get closer than ever. Plus, your life is pretty calm during this period, so gaining a new frenemy is exactly what you needed to spice things up a bit. Be careful though, Karma will always be watching you. So instead of starting a rumor that the ex-friend has Chlamydia, maybe just settle for Herpes.

 

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Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Summer Lovin’, had me a blast! That’s what you’ll be singing during O-week, Scorpio. And we’re not talking about someone from camp who lives in Canada and doesn’t have a Facebook. Or that night in Myrtle Beach that we will never talk about again. This is real life whirlwind romance. With Venus shining upon you, you will have a classic meet-cute reading the same book in a cafe, or getting your dogs’ leashes all tangled up in the park. But when you two part ways in August things are gonna get a little rocky. Astrology isn’t an exact science so we can’t determine the fate of this relationship, but you only dated for 3 months and now you’re at Duke studying for the MCAT while your lover is living at home “finding his passion.” It was cute and inspiring over summer but you don’t have unlimited data and you forgot how fun darty season is.
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Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

Thank your lucky stars, Sag, because 2016 is the year when “I’m focusing on me right now” stops being an excuse for why you’re single and starts becoming reality. Multi-variable Calculus? Aced it! Duke Engage Cape Town? Accepted! Parking pass for Card Lot? Your friend on DSG doesn’t have a car and gave it to you! So yeah, you could say your life is pretty sweet right now. You’ll definitely have to put in the work, but if you spend half as much time working in 2016 as you did walking around Perkins and distracting all your friends in 2015, you will be rewarded. Your positive energy will attract other motivated people and push the haters away. So if you have any negative friends in your life (the one who is convinced the entire world is against him because Saladelia! just sold the last piece of pumpkin bread and his fake didn’t work at Shooters last night) we recommend dropping them. It may seem harsh, but the universe doesn’t fuck around.
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Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Time to let your inner freak flag fly, Capricorn!. Sure, everything seems pretty good right now. Your grades are solid, you have nice friends, and you are contently single. But this is Duke. We don’t settle for “pretty good.” This year, make it your New Year’s Resolution to do one new thing every week. Dance in the cage at Shooters! Take an interesting class that doesn’t fulfill anything! Finally hit on the Domino’s delivery guy that’s only cute at 2 am after 7 shots of tequila! With Mars in your orbit, big risk will reap big rewards. There may be some macabre hangovers and a few inexplicable bruises here or there, but you’ll learn things about yourself you would never know otherwise. If we had to give you a mantra for 2016, it would be “Do it for the story.”
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Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Ok, so 2015 wasn’t the year you found a breathtaking love that made you want to scream off a rooftop. And we’re gonna be honest Aquarius, neither is 2016. We could all sit here and feel sorry for you, but at the end of the day no one forced you to delete that chain mail in 2009. You have no one to blame for this but yourself. Instead of hunting for the perfect partner to bring home for Thanksgiving, accept that it won’t happen and have some fun! Venus may not be in your orbit, but Saturn is, and Saturn likes to party. Plus, if our calculations are correct, the moons have aligned and not only will your fantasy football team come out on top, but your March Madness bracket will be the envy of all. AKA get ready for a nice inflow of some $cash money$ that you’ll probably lose playing blackjack during Spring Break.
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Pisces (2/19-3/20)

Classic Pisces, always so optimistic. Towards the beginning of the year you will be full of hope that an old bestie will want to reconnect over JVG iced hazelnut lattes (skim) in between classes. Unfortunately, Jupiter won’t be allowing that to happen any time soon. Don’t beat yourself up, though. You only have astrology to blame for your childish naïveté. Take this opportunity to dive into your work and actually find a productive part of Perkins to study in for once. And hey, maybe 2016 will finally be the year you cross “sex in stacks” off of your bucket list. We also have reason to believe that Pluto’s in your corner this year, meaning that not one of the upcoming 365 days will be the same as the last. We’re not making any promises, Pisces. But something tells us that in 2016 you can expect fun, flirtation, and at least fifty new Instagram followers.

 

Some of you may be happy with your horoscopes, and others may exclaim, “Whatever, astrology is just a bunch of bullshit anyway.” Well, if you fall into the latter category, we tried to warn you. If you fall into the former, don’t get mad if we’re wrong. I mean, we’re pretty positive that we’re right, but humans have some inkling of free will that can mess up our predictions.

At the end of the day, remember that you are the captain of your own destiny. Your thoughts, actions, and attitude will ultimately determine whether you have a great 2016 or a pretty “meh” year. Whether you’re thinking, “Hell yeah. New year, TOTALLY new me” or “I’m the shit and I don’t need to change at all whatsoever” we wish you a fantastic New Year.

No matter what the planets have in store for you, 2016 is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for everyone, and we at The Rival can’t wait to experience it all with you.

 

~this article is satirical in nature~