Tips & Tricks to Get the Shooters Xs Off Of Your Hands

Dookies | Luul Lampkins | February 6, 2016 SATIRE

  • Copied

We’ve all been there before. You left your fake in your other wallet, the bouncer’s being annoying and won’t let you through, or you are simply a law abiding citizen who is waiting until his/her 21st birthday to take their first #legal drink. Either way, you know that getting those dreaded Shooters Xs is never the way you want to start your night. Not only do your friends look at you like you’re a dumbass, but now you can’t pull the “*cough* *cough* I’m sick” excuse when your professor asks why you didn’t turn in your assignment. Overall, Shooters Xs are never a good look. With this in mind, The Rival has compiled a list of ways to combat this modern tragedy.

  1. Peanut butter and a dog. Ask one of your friends who has a dog to let you borrow it for the night. Sneak him into Shooters. Also sneak peanut butter into Shooters. Put the peanut butter on your hands and let the dog lick it off. There you go! Sure your hands might be a little sticky, but at least the Xs are off.
  1. Take bath salts. We all know bath salts make people do crazy shit. Before getting in the under-21 line, sneakily take some bath salts. Soon enough, you’ll be going bat shit crazy. Studies have shown that there is a 43% chance you end up chewing your hands off when taking these drugs. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  1. Channel your inner Elsa. Before you get in line, put on a pair of gloves. When the bouncer asks you to take them off so that he can mark Xs on your hands, say that your ice powers are too powerful and that if you take your gloves off, you’ll send all of North Carolina into an eternal winter that can only be thawed by an act of true love.
  1. Chop off your hands. Self-explanatory.
  1. Someone else’s drink. Find one of your friends who was smart enough to go in over-21 and say you’ll Venmo them for a drink. Here’s the key. Don’t drink it! Use the drink to wipe off the Xs. Here’s a bonus! Once the Xs are off, maybe you can lick your hands and get a little buzz if you’re a real lightweight.
  1. Bring your own markers. We all know you jumped on the adult coloring book bandwagon thinking it would de-stress you. Newsflash. You’re even worse at coloring than you were in kindergarten and you spent $30 on shit you won’t even use. Now what are you going to do with those Crayola markers you stole from your cousin? When you get those dreaded Xs, channel your inner Picasso and turn them into a beautiful masterpiece on your hands. After all, life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.  
  1. Hydrochloric acid. Apparently it’s on Amazon Prime now. If all else fails, just burn your skin off.

Now that you know exactly how to get rid of those pesky Xs, start saying yes to those WNS and SNS! After all, it’s not like anything more humiliating than getting those dreaded marks on your hands ever happens at Shooters anyways.