Chris Christie Gives Up Campaign For Lent

Sacrifice, not Surrender

Dookies | Rachel Heimann | February 11, 2016 SATIRE

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Chris Christie announced today that he will be suspending his presidential campaign for Lent. While most people choose to give up small indulgences like soda or candy for the Christian observance, Christie thinks such people don’t understand its true meaning. Also, he tried to give up candy one year but was caught hiding under his office desk crying and shoveling chocolates into his mouth after only four days.

Upon receiving just 7% of the Republican votes in New Hampshire on Fat Tuesday, Christie had a revelation. “Isn’t it obvious?” He asked his campaign manager Ken McKay, “7! 7 deadly sins! Jesus was born on the 25th and 2 plus 5 is 7! SEVEN!”

Christie gave a press conference soon after his epiphany. “Lent isn’t about giving up stupid small things,” he announced, a single teardrop forming under his eye, “It’s about making real sacrifices to show God your devotion. If Jesus died for our sins, I can give up my indulgent dream of being the President.”

Christie went on to explain that he wanted to be President for all the wrong reasons. Among the motivations listed were access to a private chef, the cool swivel chair in the Oval Office, and free custom made suits so that he can stop paying for extra fabric.

The suspension, of course, will be lifted after Easter. “I’m not 100% sure on the rules,” McKay told The Rival, “But I conferred with Ben Carson’s old campaign manager and we’re pretty positive that we can just start the campaign back up again after Lent ends. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” (As long as Christie doesn’t shut it down).

~this article is satirical in nature~