Like a typical college student, Saturday night’s my favorite time of the week. Regardless of the destination, I know that with my crazy, high-spirited group of friends, I’m guaranteed to have a good time. Within my squad, I’ve noticed that we each have distinct characteristics that mark us as “that friend,” and very rarely do we stray from them. Keeping it real, I would bet all my future interactions with dogs that you all have these friends too. If you can’t think of a particular person, it’s probably because you ARE that friend (yikes) or maybe you’re a fab mix of a few. Let the games begin.
So you and I both know that we all have that one friend – you know, the one who’s actually 20, but acts like she’s a 40-year-old single mom raising two crazy kids. In all seriousness though, what would we do without this friend? Despite the sad reality that this happens every freaking week, even with her sassy eye rolls, overdramatic sighs, and tired groans, she’ll always spot you those sacred $5 for Shoots. She rallies the squad together so you actually get to your event on time and does a quick head count to make sure you’re all present before she calls the Uber to officially end the debauchery of a night. You have probably received a few (or many) lectures from her about your recent not-so-great life choices, which may or may not include doing WNS instead of staying in to read those dreary 150 pages of reading. Or maybe she gave you the “I’m disappointed in you” parent speech for downing those six shots of Smirnoff last weekend, when let’s be real, there’s no way your petite ass can handle more than four. At the end of the day though, you know it is all outta love and what’s a true friendship without that?
Frequently spotted with: The Whiner
“The Selfie Queen”
Now where do I even begin with this friend? Her first or actually her only priority for the night, is taking selfies with each and every person that crosses her path in various poses and places. She will never openly admit it and will probably take her secrets with her to the grave, but we all know she has spent countless hours in front of the mirror perfecting her best angles and lighting. She always makes sure that she highlights her best side, which is very unfortunate for you if you both happen to have the same best side. You will always know when she went out because her Insta posts with the incredibly witty captions that took her hours to think of are as predictable as the flood of Facebook photo posts you know are following. I mean, if she looked bomb af and had an amazing time, really, the very least she could do is share it with the world right? At least that’s what she would say.
Frequently spotted with: The It Girl and The Director
Let’s face it, this is that girlfriend you see for a total of twenty minutes every time you tackle the night together because she always vanishes into thin air quicker than those cases of cheap beer at Dame’s on a Friday night. You go out together and somehow, by the mysterious powers, you end up finding each other at the end of the night. As for where she disappears to in those couple hours in between, who the hell knows? When you’re on the dance floor vibing, you might see her throwing it back and putting down a mean piece of whine in the cage to “Work.” Half an hour later while you’re chilling by the bar, you probably have to do a double take before you can confirm that it is indeed her you spot. Caught up in a wave of thick hair, shaking her head and twirling on the bar as she belts out the lyrics of the infamous and forever overplayed “Mr. Brightside.” While sitting upstairs and people watching, you may glimpse her or at least someone that sorta looks like her sloppily making out with some frat bro, fogging up the mirrors, and bumping into anyone within a five-inch radius. Like Dorothy, she always finds her way home though.
Frequently spotted with: No one you know
Oh yes, this is the friend that’s busier than Drake, who has been dropping hot track after track. With her, it’s like being on the red carpet at the Oscars, with people coming out of the woodworks screaming her name and knocking you out of the way to give her hugs. While you roll up as a full-fledged squad, she constantly leaves your side to say hi to this person and that person and the next person. She basically knows everyone, and if by some miracle she doesn’t, she can find mutual friends somewhere. But the best part? Not only does she know everyone, but she also knows everybody’s business. You associate her with spilling the steaming hot tea the way we associate Meek Mill with taking Ls while her pettiness rivals that of Amber Rose and Blac Chyna. She will tell you all about how you should avoid James because he has a secret girlfriend back home and how Connor hooked up with Hannah last week, and she said it was awful. She will tell you anything and everything you need to know. Now run and check that.
Frequently spotted with: Every damn body, including The Tipster
“The It Girl”
My fellow ladies, this friend is the one that will pick out her outfit a solid week in advance only to change it at least three times the night of the event. While it takes you half an hour max to do your makeup, it takes her at least twice that time to “put on her face” before your night on the town. She will argue that the wait time’s that long because of her exquisite techniques, but you would wager that it is more likely because she’s always turning up and singing to herself in the mirror while doing it. Sometimes you wonder if she loves her rompers more than she loves you, and she casually throws around the name of YouTube beauty gurus in conversation like they are real life friends. You don’t doubt that her brows hold a special place in her heart, and you have probably never seen her outside in broad daylight without her contour and highlighter on the fleekiest of fleeks. She’s also your resident hype woman. You might poke fun at her, but you can’t deny that she always look fabulous on your nights out. What is “slay” for $500 please?
Frequently spotted with: The Director and The Selfie Queen
I’m sure you all know who I’m talking about just from the title, but I promise this is a shade free zone * insert moon face here * This is the friend that goes out about as often as Trump says something intelligent and non-offensive – so basically never. On the rare occasions that she blesses us with her presence, it is probably because you had something to do with it. This is the friend that usually stands near the corner or at the bar judging, err I mean surveying, the craziness happening in the crowd. She always looks at least a little bored or preoccupied and spends most of the time on her phone doing only God knows what. Like Cinderella at the ball, she never stays for the entire event. Sometimes she makes you wonder if she caught your Jamaican sprinter genes because she never fails to impress you with her Bolt like speed when it comes to bouncing. You love her anyways though and know she’ll be up when you get back to hear all the juicy details about the rest of your night.
Frequently spotted with: The Mom
Ah, how could we forget this friend? Actually, it’s impossible because she never lets us forget anything. This is the friend that documents your entire night out, and I mean the ENTIRE night. From blessing the world with behind the scenes shots of everyone getting ready to slay the game to pre-gaming at that one dude’s apartment that you lowkey barely tolerate, but hang with anyway for the sake of his good alcohol. She is forever waving her phone in your face on the Uber ride over because she just has to showcase how lit her squad is belting out “Formation.” Of course, her documentary would not be complete without archiving the absolute nonsense that happens in the club that should really stay in the club and the drunken early morning Pitchforks antics. This is the friend that inspires those cryptic tweets bemoaning 300 second Snapchat stories, but the one that you secretly love to indulge in because it’s like a mini semi-scripted VH1 reality tv show. Popcorn and wine anyone?
Frequently spotted with: The Selfie Queen and The It Girl
Wait…what does she look like sober again? Oh yes, this is that friend that gets completely trashed before you even reach the event. Luckily for your squad, she is a rather fun drunk, although you kinda wish she would keep her hands to herself more (cue Selena Gomez). She is that friend that always reveals a little too much about her, uhm, bedtime preferences after a most definitely memorable night out. Watching her climb the stairs at the end of the night is like watching someone hit hurdle after hurdle on the track. Not to mention that she relies on you to fill in all of her hazy memories. It’s all good though.
Frequently spotted with: The Gossip
Now that we have accounted for everyone, it’s time to hit the streets. Squad, roll out.