Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump wants to conquer the business world. He’s built hotels, sold steaks, and hired (and fired) multiple Apprentices. What, then, could possibly be next on the Don’s list of industries to monopolize? That’s right, you guessed it: the adult film market.
Trump has just announced the release of his first full-length porno. “Trump Me Harder”, the story of Trump’s sexy journey to the Oral Office, will premiere on Fox News this Saturday in honor of the Republican Primaries.
Last night, Hollywood’s most elite group of critics attended a premiere for the screening sponsored by Glacéau SmartWater in Flint, Michigan. Here’s what they had to say.
“I laughed, I cried, I jacked off. ‘Trump Me Harder’ is a hit!” –The New York Times
“Two dicks up!” –The Washington Post
“Racists, Homophobes, Nazis, oh my! “Trump Me Harder’ has something for everyone!” –The Boston Globe
The Hollywood Foreign Press has labeled “Trump Me Harder” as one to watch this awards season. The film is even gaining traction with Trump’s opponents, who can’t help but pay attention.
Senator Ted Cruz, a stark proponent of Christian values, is a big supporter of the film.
“I am a firm believer in the word of God—porn should be between a man and a woman.”
Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton was livid with the film’s positive reception. Recent polls suggest that 69% of viewers were persuaded to vote for Trump after watching “Trump Me Harder.”
“America is going to have to decide,” she said. “Do you want a leader who is constantly having sex or one who will sit at your bedside table and pass you a condom when you need one?”
Our team also caught up with Chris Christie moments after Trump’s Super Tuesday Press Conference to ask him for his thoughts on the primaries and his review of the film: “Super Tuesday was a hit. The movie is a hit. I’d get behind Donald any day.”
When asked to comment, Trump herded up all of the reporters and put them in an isolated pen surrounded by armed guards.
“To the journalists who keep comparing me to Hitler, I ask them this. Would Hitler make a porno? I didn’t think so.”
The Rival obtained an exclusive transcript from one of the film’s most acclaimed scenes. Warning: May cause dizziness, nausea, and a strong berning sensation in the groin.
SECRETARY: “Mr. Trump? I have those files you wanted.”
TRUMP: “Come in. And I told you, call me Mr. President.”
SECRETARY: “I am so sorry Mr. President. It won’t happen again.”
TRUMP: “It better not. Don’t make me fire you.”
SECRETARY: “I’m not one of your contestants.”
TRUMP: “You don’t have what it takes to be my apprentice.”
**TRUMP RIPS OFF HIS PANTS**
TRUMP: “I call him Rosie O’Donell, Don for short.”
SECRETARY: “Mr. President! I don’t know what to say.”
TRUMP: “Thank God. The last thing I need is another Megyn Kelley.”
SECRETARY: “What are you going to do to me Donald?”
TRUMP: “Shut up, you fat pig.”
SECRETARY: “Degrade me Donald! Do your worst!”
**TRUMP RIPS OPEN HER BLOUSE AND LOOKS DOWN**
**TRUMP TAKES OFF HER SKIRT**
TRUMP: “Forget the Muslims, the only thing I’m banning is dat ass.”
Tune in during the general election for the film’s sequel—“Make America Wet Again.”
~this article is satirical in nature~