Grayson is Staying and Duke is Flipping the Fuck Out

Bae-son will be back

Dookies | Jillian Apel | April 6, 2016 SATIRE

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Sophomore basketball star Grayson Allen announced today that he will be staying at Duke for his third season next year. With Brandon Ingram having declared for the draft last week, Allen’s announcement came as a sigh of relief for students worried about the winning ability of the 2017 #squad.

The Rival decided to go out into the Duke community today to see people’s reactions first hand. This is what we heard.

“I’ve been watching Grayson around campus and I just knew he would stay. The way he’s been acting when I see him in class, in the Bryan Center, in Cameron, through the window into his room, and via the nanny cam I put into the locker room, I could just tell he wanted to stay with me–I mean, um, us, one more year.”  -Junior cheerleader, outside of Cameron.   

“I’m so happy the Allen protesters managed to get another one of their demands checked off! And especially the one they named the protest after!” -Freshman boy, west campus bus stop.

“Wait, he’s a sophomore? I thought he was graduating this year. Isn’t he joining the army?” -Literature professor, the Coffeehouse.

“Yeah, I’ve known for weeks, so this isn’t really a big deal. Grayson and I are homies, like actually we’re such bros. He hangs out with the frat a lot. And just our frat, not other frats. He’s a friend of house.” -Fraternity pledge, Marketplace.

“This is UNBELIEVABLE! Our team was already unbeatable but now we’ll go all the way. I’m already getting my tent together for next year to watch us crush UNC. Did you see the pre-season rankings? We’re number one. We’re going undefeated. I checked the stats, I think it’s possible.” -Cameron Crazie, K-Ville. 

“I think the administration pressured Grayson to announce today so that it takes press away from our sit-in. It’s absolutely outrageous, how blatantly they’re trying to quiet us. #nojustice #nopeace!” -Protester, A-Ville.

“He’s staying?!?! God damn, when he’s around, none of us have a chance. The last four girls I’ve danced with at Shooters have left me the second he walked in the door. I give up.” -Senior boy, Devines.

“I just really wanted my son–I mean, that young boy I do not know– to have more time at Duke. No, I swear we’re not related. I just really care for him!” -Ted Cruz, campaign event.

 

~this article is satirical in nature~