All is Fair in Love and Coolers: It’s Away Formal Weekend

in the words of Socrates: "Frat hard, Frat often"

Dookies | Luul Lampkins | April 15, 2016 SATIRE

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“Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. There are seasons, four in all.”

….But what about darty szn? Or more importantly, away formal season? A time known not only for primer and coolers and beers (oh my!), but also for creating tension between everyone involved: Date turns on date. Roommate turns on roommate. Student turns on professor for assigning reading that cuts into girl’s cooler-painting time.

The Rival interviewed sophomores Jennifer Bell and Ben King to hear about their experience with this difficult time.

“I really hate letting people down,” sighed Jennifer, as she put the finishing touches on the “Frat hard, frat often” side of her $26 Walmart cooler. “I just can’t miss my 3:05. I have an effing quiz.”

The fiery wraths of hell were reportedly released upon Bell yesterday when she broke the sad news that she couldn’t leave for Myrtle Beach until after 4:20 to her date, Ben.

“I specifically planned out my class schedule this semester so that I could leave for Away Formal promptly at 10 a.m.,” said Ben angrily. According to his friends, Ben spent 300 of his daddy’s best dollars on the event and the fact that his date wouldn’t even rearrange her class schedule to fit his plans is “fucked.”

Jennifer’s friend and roommate, Brianna Jones, also commented on the issue. “She’s already skipped four classes this week to paint that SOLO cup and beer pong ball American flag that says ‘Let’s get star-spangled HAMMERED’ on that asshole’s cooler. And now this?”

In addition to the stress of painting a cooler, finding ways to acquire hard liquor as a 19-year-old, and coordinating schedules to ensure a timely arrival, Bell has also been dealing with a problem that young women across the country know all too well: In months past, Bell and King’s ‘relationship’ has been nothing short of complicated.

They’ve had a couple of dance floor make outs (not only at Shooters but also at Devine’s), a couple of late night “WYD” texts, and one hungover breakfast at Monuts where he paid for her avo toast but made her take it to go. What does it all mean?

Now that they’re going to Away Formal together, is this Ben’s way of saying he’s ready to take the next step in their relationship? Is he just trying to sneak in one last hookup before she goes off to DukeEngage Peru for the summer? All we know for sure is that Ben and Jennifer will be cozying up in a queen-sized bed all weekend, while sharing the room with three other couples also reaching similar crossroads in their relationships.

Leading up to their departure, anonymous sources have confirmed that tensions between the two have been diffused. King supposedly agreed to leave at 4:25 (on the dot) as long as Bell agrees to fill the cooler with Belvedere and limit cuddling time to less than ten minutes each night.


~this article is satirical in nature~