It seems like yesterday we were attending O-Week parties and telling ourselves our Spanish grade would improve on its own if we just attended class and had a “positive attitude.” It’s hard to believe that another semester has gone by and finals season is rapidly approaching. With this in mind, The Rival has compiled a series of tips and suggestions to help the student body maximize their productivity. After all, everyone knows that our three-day reading period feels more like 17 minutes.
The Rival guarantees that if you follow these guidelines, you will do 61% better on your upcoming exams than you did on your last. Should this not be the case, however, remember that there is more to you than your GPA and that your grades are not correlated to your self-worth, especially if you’re good-looking.
1. Make your own energy drink. Two espresso shots. One 5-hour ENERGY®. One Red Bull. One Adderall. ‘nuff said.
2. Don’t take notes in class. Let’s be real. If the prof isn’t taking attendance, then why go to class to begin with? This is a tip I wish someone had told me about sooner. Four to seven days before the exam, befriend the girl you know takes color-coded notes every class. Take her to lunch. Compliment her hair. Invite her to pregame with you and tell her she doesn’t have to Venmo you for your tequila. Then, attack. The day before the exam, ask her if you can copy her notes. Better yet, have her email them to you.
3. Cram! For weeks before your exam, complain about how you’re “literally just so stressed.” But here’s the trick! Don’t actually do anything about it. Once you have so little time that you can only study about ¾ of the material, begin.
4. Don’t take any breaks. Once you’ve started studying, do not give yourself a break for 5-7 hours. This includes bathroom breaks, water breaks, coffee breaks, texting breaks, Facebook stalking your ex’s new gf/bf breaks, etc. Once you are in the zone, you should always overwork your brain to the point of a mental breakdown, tears, or until you simply are not processing information anymore. This shows that you are a good student who prioritizes his/her grades over emotional well being.
5. Make your rounds through Perkins. Once you’ve had your second meltdown, go through first floor Perkins and the Link at least twice. Say hello to every classmate, friend, and ex-hookup. Make sure you compete about who has more work to do. Tell them how you plan on being at the lib ~all night.
6. Sleep no more than two hours before your big test. Sleep 6-8 hours and eat a balanced breakfast to ensure your best possible performance on an upcoming test? So five years ago. Recent studies have shown that sleep is overrated nowadays, and that whether or not you’re actually studying, complaining to your friends “Ugh I was up ‘til like 5:30 last night,” will def help increase your test scores.
7. Snapchat your all-nighter. Building off of the previous point, it’s also proven useful to add something along the lines of “Ugh livin’ that lib life,” “Team #nosleep,” or “Good night! (@6:32 AM)” to your Snapchat story.
Now that you know exactly how to succeed, go forth. Take on the upcoming finals season with the utmost confidence in yourself and know that if you follow these tips to the letter, you will do better than you ever imagined possible. Guaranteed. Should this not be the case, however, remember Cs get degrees and Fs still have sex!
~this article is satirical in nature~