A Definitive Ranking of Super Bowl 50 Commercials

Because we all just watch for the commercials anyway

The Dirty Devil | Brett Finkelstein | February 7, 2016

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It’s that time of year again. Everyone’s pretending they’re a football fan and whipping out the few facts they made sure to learn about Peyton Manning’s 199 wins coming into this final match up, and (*spoiler alert*) by the end he reached his 200th. But among all the pizza, chips, guac, wings, and more guac, we make sure to turn up the volume when the sports stop and the real stuff begins… That’s right, the commercials. (except for Beyoncé of course. No but really, was Coldplay even there?). So here’s your definitive ranking of Super Bowl Commercials. Besides, we all know you’ll be talking way more about these commercials for the rest of the week than who won the game anyway.

14. Budweiser: did you seriously just do your super bowl commercial without the cowboy, horse, or puppy? Way to kill dreams. Instead, we’re listening to this woman and her un-touched burger lecture us? No. That is not what I expected and not what I wanted. Next year, bring us back what we know and love.

13. Mountain Dew kickstart: not really sure where you’re going with this one. Diapers, dancing legs, weird animals? Like I see what you’re trying to make happen, but definitely not a recipe for success here. I was just waiting for it to end. And then the animal licks the kickstart bottle? Yeah I’d rather not drink that.

12. Super bowl babies: this NFL commercial trying to play up the “football is family” motto basically just sang us a song about sex and sports. Ok? So were those people singing all really born just 9 months after the big game? Let’s not forget, also, that the super bowl is always right around the time of Valentine’s Day. How will we ever know when these babies were conceived?!

11. Acura car commercial: that’s what he said. Thank you for not trying to throw random numbers and down payments at me without those invisible running horses. The flashing lights were pretty cool. So good job. And I giggled at the “that’s what he said”. Not gonna deny that. Maturity is hard.

10. OIC is different: constipation is awkward. No one wants to talk about it. Let alone sit on a full couch with a food-induced coma unable to stand or move while eagerly awaiting the end of this segment. Special shout out to the prune juice poster on the side of the store, though, way to stay in theme. And to that poor actor who got his debut this way, at least it was prime time? Also, special note to the fact that it was in black and white. Really set the mood.

9. Bourne trailer: Matt Damon you are everywhere and everything. I kind of feel like I’ve already watched this exact trailer ten times, but I also kind of liked it. And the anticipation for the film builds.

8. T Mobile feat. Drake: he loves changes, and we love him. They definitely thought outside of the box (sorry, I had to) with this one. To start, the second I saw Drake I loved it. Then it just got better and better. I didn’t really notice who the commercial was for, but still, loved it.

7. No more: with all the gags and trying to out funny every other commercial, they gave us this short segment after the halftime show to bring us back to reality (and not just with the realization that none of us will ever be Beyoncé, she is queen). It was made real with the in-time texting conversation. It started a conversation that can be too easily overlooked during this game, and was worth way more of a conversation than the few text messages that made it up. No more.

6. “I’m not that kind of marmot”: well who doesn’t love a man and his pet friend dancing and hiking around in matching puffer vests. Please, more furry friends in fluffy vests. And honestly, it was effective marketing, since I obviously had to Google just what kind of animal a marmot is once the commercial finished. It’s a large squirrel, for all of you still wondering.

5. Prius 4: to be honest, when you start a car chase with a Prius, you’re setting up some low expectations. But add in some cultural appropriation on a game show, a little kids birthday party, and some fans with posters and you’ve got me at the edge of my seat. I found myself cheering for the odd ball crew, and I wasn’t quite sure why. Then, it ends perfectly when the underrated Prius makes its getaway from the police, going full circle on the point that that a Prius simply shouldn’t be in a car chase. Toyota-lly a great car commercial. Now I want a Prius.

4. Doritos and dogs: for those who missed the puppy show, Doritos made sure to give you your fill of dog cuteness with this one. Here’s the poor supermarket manager trying to turn away all the adorable pups who just want to get their hands on some cheesy Doritos. So, how do the dogs end up on top? A little Mrs Doubtfire costume works perfect, as long as you have a dog that can walk on its hind legs. Good thing they have one of those.

3. Heinz meet the ketchups: upstaging Doritos attempt at selling more snacks with dogs, Heinz ketchup stole the show when they put their weiner dogs in hot dog bun costumes. Those weren’t the only costumes, though, with all the people in the commercial dressed in the variety of Heinz products, and even a little boy in the miniature travel size pack. The people and animals reunite in the beautiful moment of the dogs jumping on them and licking their faces. Need I say more? A+

2. The Bud Light party: if Donald Trump can run, the power duo of Amy and Seth should definitely run too. No really, I would vote for them. With the perfect quotes, massive audiences, and realization that they’d actually be better candidates, everything was perfectly executed. And as if you couldn’t tell, it definitely took some big pockets to fund that. And they have them too. Boom.

1. Honda Ridgeline: More singing sheep, please! For once, we’re not just seeing someone trying to count sheep in a commercial for sleep medication. Now we are serenaded by these voices almost as majestic as Beyoncé and Bruno’s…oh and don’t forget Coldplay. He was there too. Animals are definitely stealing the show in tonight’s commercial show down. Now I don’t know, though, do I want a Prius or a Ridgeline?!

Last, and honestly probably least, we finally arrive at the one that’s too far down on the list to even be ranked…

Doritos birth commercial: we are taken in to this very intimate moment between these parents to be, only to be completely weirded out. The dad is munching on his bag of Doritos, which definitely shouldn’t be allowed in the medical examination room. Seriously, sanitation rules. Then the baby comes charging out just for a Dorito? What? Why? I have so many questions. I really don’t know how to elaborate further.