*Disclaimer: this is aimed at the boy who asked me to move because I was sitting in his seat*
Durham–Following an incident last Thursday that created havoc throughout campus, administration will now allow students to purchase seats in class.
On November 10, sophomore Jessica Lerner walked into PubPol 155 and made her way to the 5th seat of the second row on the left side of the room, as per usual. Only on this fateful day, when she sat down she realized she was sitting on someone’s lap. Lerner tried to ask the seat thief to move, but was in a state of disbelief and failed to produced any words.
Mayhem ensued. Lerner moved to the next seat over, creating a domino effect of confused students walking into class. Some sat on the floor, not realizing there were other seats. Two freshmen boys were punched by incredulous and offended sophomores. One girl was hanging from the projector.
“We weren’t prepared for this type of chaos,” TA Jake Burkman told The Rival in between trembling sobs. “At first we thought it was an exercise to demonstrate a real life prisoner’s dilemma, so we let it play out. They don’t cover how to handle savages in our training.”
After a record high number of walk-ins at CAPS that day, the administration decided to take action. Starting next semester, students will be able to buy their seats for a fair starting price of $149.99. The selection process will work in tandem with drop/add period, allowing students to try out different seats in each of their classes. If two students are vying after the same seat, they will partake in a bidding war through ACES.
Of course, different seats will have different prices. Seats in the front of the class will begin at the aforementioned starting price, while the sweet-spot seats that are close enough to see the board but far back enough for a quick catnap will go for as much as $475.
A poll showed that students would further be interested in being able to rent seats in Perkins and Bostock. Administration feared that this would exacerbate the a cafeteria-like atmosphere in the library, with PiKapp in the back of first floor Perkins, KA in Bostock Basement, and DSig in the Link. However, they also understood the need to avoid the annoyance of sitting down at a table only to have 7 girls of the same sorority sit down and not shut the fuck up when you’re just trying to do a goddamn problem set.
The administration is still taking recommendations on how to perfect the new system. They hope this will help take some stress off of the student body–no one should ever have to walk into class only to find someone else sitting in their seat.
~this article is satirical in nature~