Written on August 15, 2017
It’s hard to believe that it’s been only a year since the Supreme Court ruled birth control as unconstitutional.
Last summer, contraception was deemed “contrary to freedom of religion,” as it directly encourages promiscuity and premarital sex, therefore infringing the rights of those who believe such actions are not in accordance with their religious beliefs. It took only one month for all forms of birth control to be banned across the US.
Besides creating a black market for rubbers (or “blubbers” as they are now known), this new ruling resulted in one major side effect that some people hoped for but never actually saw cumming: abstinence.
“Don’t get me wrong I love sex,” explained twenty-something Deborah Felling last winter.“I just can’t risk having a child right now. My boss is retiring and it’s down to me and Jim. Jim is an asshole. And not just because he fell asleep while I was giving him head and didn’t reciprocate. He doesn’t deserve the promotion like I do.”
Many young or working women felt the same way as Deborah, and soon women all across the country were abstaining from sex. Meanwhile, men like Jim struggled emotionally and physically from the lack of women willing to sleep with them.
“We tried to just beat off as much as we could,” explained Jim, “but it wasn’t the same. Plus, my right arm got noticeably more swole than the left one.”
Women, on the other hand, had no problem releasing their sexual tension on their own. Within 3 months, dildo and vibrator companies had become the eighth biggest industry in America. I mean, think about the facts: they come in all different shapes and sizes, they vibrate, and they last for as long she does. No pussy pocket or sex doll can compare.
After 6 months, the build up of testosterone in men’s bodies with no release began to seriously affect their performance and stamina. Increased aggression led to physical fights and inappropriate remarks to female coworkers. Government officials started thinking with their second heads, as you’ll likely recall with the attempt to pass the “VAGINA” act last winter, or “Vision of America to Grant Immigrants New Accommodations.”
The huge decrease in productivity forced companies to lay off those who weren’t getting laid. As of last month, the working force in the US was made up of 85% women, 6.9% homosexual or bisexual men, and the other 8.1% consisted of men who didn’t get laid anyway, hence Chris Christie’s failure to resign as governor.
“I knew this would happen one day,” the Notorious RBG told the Rival. “Men are idiots.”
With 9 women now in control of the Supreme Court, there is an opportunity to reverse the law and provide birth control once again. But instead, the JUTERUS (Judicial Uterus Team Enacting Rights for the US) has teamed with Congress to allocate this money to a more worthwhile cause: scientific research to discover a method of asexual reproduction.
“We’re really excited about this plan,” Secretary of Defense Beyoncé Knowles recently said in a press release, “My part in the operation will be to take over Girl Scouts and train young women to be in the military.”
A final vote will take place sometime month, and it is predicted that men will be extinct by the year 2050. “The patriarchy can try and control the female body,” RBG declared while browsing for a new vibrator, “but the XX sex will always come out on top, cowgirl style.”
~this article is satirical in nature~