First off, can I just say that I am astonished, no, flabbergasted at how unbelievably fresh Justin Bieber’s musical career is? The young boy is reaching new levels, with “What Do You Mean?”’s tropical house-esque beatz and his nude pic scandal proving that the falsetto sure is gone. Then, as a third wammy into my musical duodenum, I am alerted to the song “Sorry.” “Sorry” is no music video; it’s an instructional video to the rest of my life. The first time I listened to “Sorry” my fire alarm went off and all the dogs in the neighborhood started barking. Fire hydrants on my street exploded, and a dozen rainbows filled the air, all thanks to Justin Bieber aka Vanilla Ice 2.0 aka the artist formerly known as “J-Biebz.”
“Sorry” features a crew of ostentatious young hip-hop dancers who are enthralled by the wet goodness that is “Sorry” set against a plain white backdrop. I realize now that this is what my life was missing; not happiness, not love, not a white picket fence with a dog named Spot, but the crew assembled before me. The crew pops, locks, and even a couple times drops throughout the video, that hits me on an emotional level. Therefore after painless hours of research I created: the ranking of all the dancers on Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” music video:
- Parris Goebel (center photo): The Abe Lincoln or King Leonidas of the “Sorry” music video, as well as the actual director of the whole thing. So she is in charge literally and metaphorically. She is clad in all black with gold reflective sunglasses while rocking some Timbs, shoe game on “fleek” as the kids say. She commands the women with the divine force of a mythological heroine. Parris, with warmth and strength, earns the number 1 spot in our list and struts her way into godhood.
- Denise (4th from right): Denise (aptly named for the jersey of retired North Korea sympathizer Dennis Rodman she possesses) is the woman I want to be wed to. Her #2 spot is based purely on that fact, so it’s fairly biased, even though she dances well and has enough spunk for the #1 spot. But my judgement is clouded by deep adoration, so to remain fair she is #2. She has all the qualities I look for in woman; she’s fun, adorable, confident, and not taller than me.
- Pink Tips (far left): The number three spot is given to the woman wearing the blue/black polka dot health-goth Adidas workout gear, and her ridiculous dance move that I have been training to master. Approximately 1 minute into the video, she both pops and locks to the beat with the rhythm of a robot with newly greased joints. When I gazed upon it the first time, I felt like that kid in that video where he opens an N64 for Christmas and he just starts screaming. Do yourself a huge favor and re-watch her parts a 38th time, because it is revolutionary.
- Madonna 2.0 (far right): Number 4 wins the award for Best Attitude, as the figure-head of the 1980s, Madonna 2.0 dances her way to the top with her neon multi-colored shorts and game-winning attitude. Her face is a canvas that details the true physical intensity that is the Justin Bieber Experience. She may not appear the most, but dammit does she give it her best!
- Early 90s Rap Background Dancer (4th from left): ENRBD, as I affectionately call her, loves what she does. She’s the woman in the pink fishnet and the black hat, and she is fun, flirty, and center stage for many moves. Her and her counterpart (#8) look like they stepped off of the set of ODB’s Shimmy Shimmy Ya music video. She rocks the right amount of tacky and absolutely crushes it.
- Knock-off Miley (3rd from right): Anytime I see a girl with pigtail buns I can’t not think of Miley Cyrus. She dances pretty well, at least better than Brand-name Miley at the VMA’s.
- Knock-off Early 90s Background Dancer (2nd from left): KENRBD, as I affectionately call her, is good but not as good version of her earlier counterpart. Again reminiscent of the late 90’s by her bright colors, pink backwards hat, and kind of lame way of wrapping her sweater around her waist (did she not have enough time to take it off before the video???). However, she does land in the top ten, because she has the drive and motivation that is required of a Justin Bieber dancer.
- Yin and Yang (right of Parris): The only reason the woman clad in Daoist iconography is so high is due to the fact that she has the most appearances in the video. Honestly, she bores me, despite her odd facial expressions. She must have known someone important, because it was a lack-luster performance in comparison to other immortal juggernauts (see #1). Her gyrations were impressive, but not perfect.
- Chester A. Arthur (5th from right): Named after our esteemed 21st president because I couldn’t think of any clever name for her. She pops her way into the limelight a couple of times, and seems to gyrate appropriately for the video. If my presidential comparison didn’t help, she’s rocking the pink Everlast hat with the middle-school bus-seat print crop top. Obviously similar to Chester A. Arthur’s Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act of 1883, right?
- Overalls (2nd from right): At this point, the last few ladies have so little screentime, and such a little impact on my life that the list is more or less random now. BUT, Overalls does catch my eyes with her trendy Mom-veralls, so she cracks the top ten.
- Molen (3rd from left): So named for her green jersey, Molen is the key twerker in this video (twerker is an awful noun that I refuse to use again). She rests at #11, because I believe that I could twerk better, and I’m a pale, inflexible, white kid from North Carolina. PUT ME IN COACH (Coach= Justin Bieber).
- Jerry Garcia (not pictured): Rocking some sweet tie-dye, Ms. Garcia should stand out more, but I had to edit this list because I actually forgot she was in the video. She isn’t last because I love tie-dye. Alright, alright, alright.
- Little Red (way in the back): Like the fabled tale where she gains her name, Little Red sneaks through the mighty redwood forest that the other 10 dancers are, and I bet her grandmother would be really proud to see her in a Justin Bieber video. If only Gam-Gam was more tech-savvy…
- You’re my Boy Blue (not pictured): She wears blue, and generally stays in the far right corner of every shot she’s in.
- Hunting Jacket (way in the back): Her orange camo was great, because I don’t remember seeing her in the video. Someone had to point her out to me, so she’s last on this list, but #1 for hunter safety gear.
Hopefully this list comes in handy when you inevitably get into a debate over the most talented backup dancers in modern hip-hop music videos. Ya’ll may be breaking out Drake’s silly dance moves and feeling all trendy and such, but when I step out onto the dance floor with these newfound abilities, you’ll be saying sorry.