Duke students looked on with amazement as surprise guest, Republican candidate Jeb Bush, made his acting debut Friday night at Me Too Monologues.
Bush performed the final monologue of the night, closing out the show with arguably the greatest display of passion and emotion the world has ever seen.
When asked what inspired Jeb’s impromptu visit to Duke, he said, “When I heard about Me Too I knew the opportunity was too good to pass up. Growing up, I was quite the thespian. My dream was to play Nikki Blonksi in Hairspray. But this will have to do.”
Here is an excerpt from Bush’s monologue last night:
DISCLAIMER: Although it is natural to associate the performers with their monologues, it is important to note that the actors did NOT write the pieces they are performing.
“My entire life, I never got to decide. I was pushed around, told what to think, say, and feel, living life in a shadow of my family’s accomplishments. You can be anything you want, they said. You don’t have to follow in our steps, they said. Sure, dad SURE. Easy enough for you to say! I don’t know who I am anymore!
Don’t even get me started with my brother. My brother, the “chosen” one. The ladies loved him, our neighbors loved him, my parents loved him, heck, I worshiped the guy! I mean what’s not to love? Have you seen those dimples? Hand crafted by God!
And, of course, my brother, the socialite, gets accepted to the Ivy League, while I work my ass off and end up at the local university? It just doesn’t make any sense!
But I persevered.
Finally, finally, I got my chance in the spotlight, my time to shine. My days of being someone’s son and brother were over. Everything was perfect. My wife made racially inclusive campaign signs. Shakira signed on as my potential VP. I sent all my donors chipotle burritos with my face on them. I had taken the whiteness right out of the whitest family in history. I was going to win.
Then he showed up. And my world came crashing down.
Day by day, debate by debate, he broke me down. Insulting my policies, slandering my family, deporting my wife, the list goes on and on. Do you know what it’s like to be terrorized by a giant piece of toast with a slab of butter on top? I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
MY NAME IS NOT JEBRA, DONALD. AND I DON’T BUY MY SUITS AT SEARS.
I AM ENOUGH. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I….I…I…AM A BUSH AND I’M PROUD.”
Bush ended his monologue lying on the floor sobbing, refusing to leave until each member of the audience gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, one at a time.
While members of the audience were aware that Me Too speakers are simply actors, they couldn’t help but wonder if the similarities were far too great to be called a coincidence.
Bush was so inspired by his performance that he decided to suspend his campaign and move to the Big Apple to pursue his dreams. Catch Jeb on broadway this summer as his brother George W. Bush in “Mission Accomplished!; The Musical.”
~this article is satirical in nature~