Barbie Introduces New Dolls to Make Girls Feel Even Worse

Is this a fat joke?

Dookies | Rachel Heimann | February 4, 2016 SATIRE

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Barbie, in all her tall blonde glory, has long been an inspiration for young girls everywhere to trade in Girl Scout cookies for kale and become cult members obsessed with Soul Cycle.

Toy maker Mattel has spent 50 years trying to convince the public that “No! Barbie is a positive role model! We swear!” by giving her a plethora of occupations including a cat burglar, a McDonald’s cashier, and even a Canadian Mountie. Despite these totally feminist and groundbreaking adjustments, the public demanded more. In response, Mattell recently announced the production of Barbie dolls in three new body types: tall, petite, and curvy.

“I was so excited when Barbie finally recognized that beauty comes in all shapes,” said Susan Kline, mother of Ashley, 10 and Marissa, 8. “I love both my daughters, and I want them to love themselves for the beautiful young girls they are.”

Mrs. Kline was excited to give her daughters the new Barbies that best represented each of their body types, respectively.

While Ashley opened up her new “petite” Barbie squealing with delight, Marissa was less than enthused about the “curvy” doll her mom scratched and clawed other mothers in Kids R Us for. “Is this a fat joke?”

While young girls around the world can now be liberated from absurd standards of beauty, they are now catching a glimpse of how those closest to them, their parents, really see them.

“You’re not fat!” Ms. Kline called after to Marissa, who was on her way to the kitchen to decapitate her new-age Barbie, “Just voluptuous! You have a woman’s body!”

Ashley watched smugly from the living room as the fight escalated, brushing her petite Barbie’s still-perfect hair. “I don’t know why Marissa is so upset,” she told her Barbie, “I get made fun of at school for being so skinny but already having boobs! You just have to learn to love yourself despite your imperfections. Not that her size is an imperfection, but I mean, Mom did buy her the fat one.”

Fat, skinny, short, or tall, girls hate their bodies and it starts as soon as they lay hands on their first doll. But thanks for trying, Mattell. A for effort.

~this article is satirical in nature~