New Study Finds That Trump Is Ebenezer Scrooge Reincarnated

Bah, Humbug!

Dookies | Rachel Heimann | December 9, 2015

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With Trump’s newest announcement to bar all Muslims from entering the US, experts of all fields have been wracking their brains to determine how any front runner in a presidential race could make such a statement. Theories of childhood trauma, ego-complex, and general stupidity have been offered, but the newest hypothesis comes out of a small rural town Burma. An elite group of Buddhist scholars have found evidence that Donald Trump is, in fact, Ebenezer Scrooge reincarnated.

Both characters are rather miserly businessmen who hate puppies and children, and pride themselves on the fortune they have made for themselves. Similarly, Scrooge claims that those in prisons and workhouses are better off dead in order to “decrease the surplus population,” and Trump feels strongly that immigrants not come and ruin his plan to “make America great again!”

Other experts, despite their reservations on accepting such spiritual ideas, admit that there is no other plausible explanation. Psychologists have examined Trump’s childhood neglect and trauma, namely that his selfish father only gave him a small loan of 1 million dollars to start off. However, they have concluded that while this may account for some of Trump’s economic stances, it does not explain his bigotry and misogyny. While Scrooge was neither outright racist nor chauvinistic, one can imagine his disregard for other people would translate to such attributes in the current American climate.

If Scrooge’s soul is in fact still alive through Trump, what are we to do about it? An anonymous member of the Republican National Committee has told the Rival that they have assembled a “Make Trump Nice Again” team so that they have a chance at winning the election and not push away all moderates and sane republicans. “Evidently,” the source disclosed, “We must recreate Scrooge’s enlightening dream and incept Donald Trump.” In place of the Ghost of Christmas past, present, and future, Trump will be visited by the Ghost of America past, present and future, with Richard Nixon as his guide.

No further details of the top secret mission were disclosed, but members of the RNC are hoping that if Ebenezer Scrooge’s soul could be saved in 1843, there is still hope to find the little boy inside of Donald Trump.

~this article is satirical in nature~