Narrator (casting preference Jay Bilas):
Two households, one above in dignity [cough, cough Duke]
In Carolina, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where tarheel blue makes devil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these blue foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers spoil their life;
Whose misadventured piteous free-throws
Do with their end maintain their campus’ strife.
The fearful passage of their tar-mark’d love,
And the continuance of their campus’ spleen,
Which, though their student’s end, nought could remove
Is now the quite brief subject of our screen;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
Setting: Cameron Indoor Stadium, Coach K’s office
(Pan into hall of fame, duke banners, anti-carolina signs. Mercutio, a basketball manager, like Romeo, and Coach K are consorting, Coach K has back turned to Mercutio in a power stance obviously because he’s Coach K.)
Pray tell, Mercutio.
What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?
‘Tis love. His heart grows weak with solitude.
Alas, cruel love.
But pray, a handsome man like Romeo
Could he not find a mistress fair at Duke?
Good sir, he shuns their many pursuits.
Romeo desires a love untrue,
To a woman in the wrong shade of blue.
A man gone mad to gain a love unpure.
Save him at once from his own foolish choice!
‘Tis vain an act, our friend departs in haste.
A man named Robertson takes him away.
(Fade to Romeo boarding the bus, shifts out of iambic pentameter on the bus)
Romeo: (on the bus)
Sup. (head nod)
Why’re you heading to UNC?
Ahh I just want to hook up with some chick.
(awkward nod and silence)
Setting: UNC Bar
(Romeo gets off bus, walks to top of the hill bar)
Foul soil, for once might you provide a win. [Hell fucking yeah. DDMF.]
(turns around and checks out a girl and makes eye contact, approaches her)
Fair tarheel maid,
‘tis true I’m from a darker, deeper blue.
Despite this, I cannot not fall for you.
If love is cruel, thou art my sole villain. (They kiss passionately on the dance floor and begin to leave but then the TV announces that Duke has won against UNC and Juliet begins to cry)
Setting: UNC Well, still night
(Romeo and Juliet embracing, Juliet is crying)
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy mascot and refuse thy game!
I shalt not trek to hell, devils be damned.
Pray, love me more than basketball, devil.
(he kisses her passionately once more then cuts her off)
My tarheel love, ‘tis sad this tragedy,
I have few words except… G-T-H-C.
(rips off powder blue shirt, Duke National Championship shirt on underneath)
‘Tis time to return to a winning school.
(Gets back on Robertson, Juliet cries. Elevator music on Robertson)
Setting: Duke Bus Stop, somehow it is now daytime
(Romeo gets off, finds other managers)
Our brother returns, wiser man indeed.
How I have missed my truest devil friends!
Dids’t thou find love?
Alas, neigh, time shall tell… (trails off/cut short as he makes eye contact with the blue devil mascot, cue romantic music, run to each other in slow-mo and devil lifts him up into his arms)
(They run to the chapel, the basketball managers follow and are married, devil in veil)
Ends with bloopers of them with a baby with devil horns on, or cutting cake or just dancing to “All I Do is Win” (obviously).