Before coming home for Thanksgiving, Duke Junior Lauren Cohen promised her mom she would actually answer her relatives’ questions this year, rather than replying with her typical “good” and “fine.” What Mrs. Cohen didn’t know, however, is that Lauren had been doing her a favor by not being forthcoming.
It began almost instantaneously, when Grandma Ruth gave Lauren a hug. “I guess the food down there is pretty good,” Ruth said, condescendingly, “Do they not have any healthy options at school?”
As promised, Lauren answered honestly. “No, they do. But when it’s 2 am and all the weed is gone, what else is a girl to do but go get a mint-Oreo milkshake and some hush puppies at cookout?”
Shocked and bewildered, Ruth demanded an explanation. “It’s just weed, Grandma, how else do you expect me to manage my stress?”
“What do you have to be stressed about?” Lauren’s Grandfather, Gerald, chimed in, “Kids these days have it so easy.”
Before Lauren could rebut, Mrs. Cohen shot a look of daggers to her daughter. Lauren shoved some brie in her mouth to keep from talking, and silently drank 3 glasses of wine while waiting for dinner to begin.
As Mr. Cohen was about to call out to his wife asking where all the wine went, he saw Lauren tipping back her glass, desperately seeking the last drop of the bottle. Anticipating his scolding, Lauren rolled her eyes and gave a preemptive response “Oh whatever, dad, it was just one bottle. What does it cost, $20? I’ll Venmo you.”
“$20? Lauren that bottle cost $115!”
“Really? It tastes the same as Cupcake. You got ripped off dad.” Before he could yell at her, they were called in for dinner.
As Lauren was reaching for the mashed potatoes, her phone buzzed. “Who’s that?” pestered aunt Alice, “a boyfriend maybe?!”
“No, just a friend. Still no boyfriend. Although there is this one guy I’ve hooked up with a few times. He’s super cute but kind of aloof-I can’t decide if he likes me or not. What do you think, mom? He usually only texts me at 1 a.m., but he’s really sweet and always calls me an Uber in the morning. I mean I know it’s nothing serious but it’s definitely something, right? That reminds me, I need to go back on birth control because he told me he’s allergic to latex. Will you pass the mashed potatoes?”
Sources close to Lauren tell The Rival that dinner went downhill from there. Fowl language was abundantly used, and Mrs. Cohen had to restrain herself from knocking the stuffing right out of her daughter. It is unclear at the moment if Lauren will be coming back to Duke in the spring semester.
So in the true spirit of Thanksgiving, let’s fabricate our college lives to our loved ones with monosyllabic responses, just as we like to lie that the Pilgrims and Native Americans partied it up in Plymouth Rock rather than admit that the Pilgrims were just as manipulative as Grandma Ruth.
When it comes to family, ignorance is bliss.
~this article is satirical in nature~