The Bachelorette Plays Real Life Fuck, Marry, Kill

Who gets the rose and who gets the axe?

Dookies | Laure Bender | March 1, 2016 SATIRE

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Each season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette promises to be more dramatic than the last. However, given the recent polling numbers, the producers feared that the show was lacking that je ne sais quoi that makes quality reality television. With the recent success of shows like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Narcos, the producers realized the essential element that the show was missing: violence. (Well, that or illegal substances).

 Last night, the season finale of the Bachelorette finally incorporated this necessary element in a shocking turn of events. As the Bachelorette, Kathleen, dabbed at her tearless eyes, the host informed her and the final three men in the running, John, Rick, and Ken H., of the latest Bachelorette twist: Kathleen would select who to marry, who to fuck, and who to kill in the final rose ceremony of the season.

The question is: who got lucky, who got kind of lucky, and who died? With one condom, one rose, and one guillotine in front of her, Katelyn was left with a difficult choice. “This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” she said in a one-on-one interview, and, for the first time all season, we actually believed her.

Despite this apparent hesitation, she quickly checked out Rick and made her first decision of the night: who to fuck. With Rick and the condom gone, and Kathleen appearing far more relaxed than before, all that was left were the rose, the guillotine, John, and Ken H.

Given his slim chances of survival, Ken H. appeared nervous in the final minutes before Kathleen made her decision. As he blurted out that he believed that he was unlovable, the earth shook as, world-wide, millions of women’s hearts skipped a beat. However, Kathleen remained unshaken, and with the severity of Lord Voldemort, lifted up the final Rose and fixed it to John’s lapel.

Ken H.’s death quickly followed, which to be quite honest, was far less disturbing than the audible sounds of Kathleen and John’s awkward kissing.

Though the season only just ended, audience members have already begun to speculate that Ken H. will return next season as the Bachelor, either revived by the Lord of Light or as a White Walker.

~this article is satirical in nature~