The McDonald’s Secret Menu

Consume everything and feel terrible

The Dirty Devil | Nick Younger | April 14, 2016

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I recently embarked on a journey with a few friends to find the fabled McDonald’s Secret Menu. The Secret Menu is a collection of strange Frankenstein-esque concoctions created with the standard McDonald’s Menu. Not wanting to have to chop off a foot at the end of consuming these beastly meals, I decided to pick the important ones. We used a complicated bread-to-sauce-to-upset stomach algorithm to decide on the perfect meals, so my team and I decided upon:

The Big McChicken

The McLeprechaun Shake

The McLandSea&Air

The MonsterMac

and

The infamous McGangBang.

Here are their stories. CHUNG CHUNG

Big McChicken: 8/10

McChicken*

Much like KFC’s mouthwateringly fowl Double Down, the Big McChicken is a Big Mac sandwiched in between two chicken pieces. The lack of bread almost augments the sandwich, as they force you to carbo-load with McDonald’s laboratory grown bread in every other meal. It’s a bit weird with Big Mac Sauce on the chicken, but it surprises your taste buds in a fun and flirty way. The sheer size of the BIG McChicken makes it tough to eat, especially if you have a tiny baby mouth, but this isn’t the biggest on the menu so strap on in cowgirl.

McLeprechaun: 9/10

Next is the McLeprechaun. The McLeprechaun is half chocolate half minty Shamrock Shake.  Obviously one of the better ones, as it doesn’t taste like frozen patties and intense American capitalism. But, the McDonald’s we went to made us get a large when we wanted a medium, so we experienced more McLeprechaun than was needed. As one of the only dessert options, it was a certified treat, but the best? We shall see.

McLandSeaAndAir: 4/10

McLandSeaAir

I hesitate to call this a sandwich. An art piece? Maybe. An affront to God? Probably. The McLandSeaAndAir is somewhat of an abomination, but could be worse. Like Aang the Avatar, it is the master of all the elements: the beefy Big Mac of the Land, the clucking McChicken of the Air (I know chickens can’t fly, I live near a farm chill out), and the salty Fish Filet of the Sea. The Fish is truly the odd man out in this scenario, however paired with the Big Mac Sauce it soars as high as its chicken brethren. Don’t get me wrong it tastes awful, but the McLandSeaAndAir impresses with its arrogance to call itself food.

McGangbang: Contested

Just a McChicken comfortably living inside the bodies of two Big Macs, the McGangbang reigns over the Secret Menu. It may have the most offensive name in the entire menu, but the McGangBang wears it with pride. The bread is overwhelming, the burger taste slaps you in the face, and by the end of it you’re disgusted and sort of want to burn McDonald’s down. The score is contested because I for one enjoyed the horrible fear inducing taste of the McGB, but my assistants, who provided alternate opinions, were understandably bullied by the foul assortment of McDonald’s “foodstuffs.” A truly formidable meal, yet it’s a delicacy that must be tamed and then savored.

MonsterMac: 6/10

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The Monster Mac is not that bad, basically just a tough to eat Big Mac due to size. Eating it feels like smashing a pound of patties into your mouth hole, which it essentially is. The Monster Mac is exactly what it sounds like: 8 Big Macs stuffed into one another. The taste is in the title; it’s just a big Big Mac.

If you feel as though your McDonald’s experiences have been subpar and not up to snuff, you might want to spice up your fast food love life with these special creations. After eating any of these, you may feel bloated, uncomfortable, and even a bit angry, but fret not, this is normal. Your body is probably shutting down from the sheer caloric intake. Enjoy the life you have created for yourself and eat another MonsterMac, you disgusting slob.

*My good friend Chase modeled the menu options, we missed some of them because we got too hungry