On the last Thursday of every November, I, along with every other American, gather with family and friends to give thanks to our ancestors who raped and pillaged and overtook a country with no regards for the people who were already living there.
There’s turkey, there’s pie, and there’s my grandfather asking me how to scan pages of the Great Gatsby onto his computer. Most dinners begin with everyone sharing what exactly they are giving thanks for. Here’s a preview of what I’m really thankful for as a Duke student this year.
- I am thankful for the air conditioning I did not have on East campus last year.
- I am thankful for Sakai and all the features on it I’ve never used nor understood.
- I am thankful for the fact that Ski Team finally repainted their bus.
- I am thankful for the egregiously long lines for mediocre food found at the Loop, ABP, Marketplace, etc.
- I am thankful for the Chronicle and its new status as an easy target.
- I am thankful for the “Sophomore Year Experience.” Still unsure what this is, but really loving all the emails, you guys.
- I am thankful for the “healthy” option signs in all the vending machines.
- I am thankful for the unreliable toner levels in printers all over campus
- I am thankful for the plethora of parking options and the tickets that often accompany these options.
- I am thankful for the wonderfully engineered drainage system on campus.
- I am thankful for everyone who runs to get on the bus.
- I am thankful for everyone who decides to carry a conversation with me while on the bus despite the fact I have my headphones on
- I am thankful for the strange pizza they sell at Duke games.
- I am thankful for the walk of shame to the Duke Card office.
- I am thankful to the Class of 2019 for putting pizza boxes in dryers and fire extinguishers in ovens. Just keep doin’ you, 2019.
- I am thankful for the idiots at Duke who continue to spew their racist, sexist, homophobic rhetoric throughout campus and on YikYak.
- I am thankful for “freedom of speech” which allows these aforementioned idiots to defend and protect their hate speech.
- Moreover, I am also thankful for YikYak for ruining anonymity for the rest of us.
- I am thankful for Fix My Campus for become a forum not to discuss issues of racism and sexual assault, but a forum to illuminate the REAL problems on campus, like the fact that Sour Patch Kids get stuck in the vending machine too easily and the lack of pianos on West and the overly cool temperatures in various buildings.
- And I am thankful that my parents continue to pay for me to go to an institution like Duke even though I mostly just complain about it.
~this article is satirical in nature~